Thursday, August 10, 2006

Thou Shalt Worship No Other God Before Me

Nuff Said.

Alien Invasion - Toto the G-Pig

I am not liking this. It is hairy and clumsy and eats vegetables and is scared of me.

I will dedicate my spare time to intimidating it.

It is lucky it is behind bars.

On The Mend

A bit more sleeping should do the trick.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A vicious attack to report

I was minding my own business visiting a human friend on the terraces when a terrible assault occurred.

A Tibetan Terrier enemy dog has attacked me. I was not on my usual form due to falling out of the window. Otherwise it would have never happened. The human put me in the grey box and we went to the vets again. They must think she doesn't look after me properly. I am not talking to her anyway. I decide I will stay in the box and I will refuse to let anyone look at me. I not sure how bad I am hurt but they are not going to look at me either.

Outrageous. I have been tipped out of my box by a big brute of a man in blue overalls. This is no way to treat a person who has been assaulted. He tells the human I have brain damage and my tooth is broke and maybe my jaw and maybe something is wrong with my legs and for sure I can't see out of my left eye. She is crying a bit. She is with the brother. They are all looking very sad. They are silly because I don't have brain damage at all. The big blue man makes me go on the floor and watches me walking (limping). He puts pieces of paper under my feet and he tries to pull them in all different directions. I will not be tripped up by pieces of paper. She is asking him if my hair will grow back. Some of my fur is missing on my face. There is a bit of blood. I am ashamed to say I have soiled myself. My claws are all gone.

They are trying to make me talk. But I will not talk. They think this surely means I have brain damage. I have them worried. I will bide my time. I will trade a life now.

I am posting a picture of the assailant. If you see him anywhere, please call Crimestoppers.


She is unfaithful. With a dog.

When they go out together I go to the dog's house and eat its biscuits. I am not supposed to eat biscuits. But nobody knows I am doing this. I go undercover.

It is probably too stupid to notice. It looks like quite a stupid dog to me.

An Accident

I have had an accident. The human has done everything to prevent me getting at the pigeons. But I am cleverer than her. Having carefully negotiated through the wooden slats on the venetian blinds, I have got out the front window, high above the street. From this starting point, I have made it as far as the street corner on the thin ledge. My vantage point, above the shop's canopy is perfect for hunting pigeons.

Unfortunately, something unexpected happens. I have lost my footing. I have fallen down down down onto the shop canopy. And then I have slid from that onto the broadway. Ouch. I think it is best to go home. I run through the restaurant and out the back and up the stairs and fortunately, by this time, the human has gone searching for me and left the front door open.

By the time she gets back, I am lounging in the sun like nothing has happened. She is surprised when she sees me. She thinks I am lost forever.

I'm not going to tell her how much my head hurts and how my shoulder is all funny. I might have to trade in a life. I will think about it for a while.

Saturday, May 20, 2006


A very important aspect of my life which I have worked hard over the years to perfect.

My handsome self

I never look at myself in mirrors, however, the human devotes ridiculous amounts of time to photographing me. I have to say, I am rather gorgeous if I say so myself, don't you think?

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Introducing Bollinger

Hey everyone, my name's Bollinger, I'm 13 and a half years old and I live in Stinklewood, London, NW2, UK.

My family were originally from Ethiopia and that's why you guys call us Abyssinians but I've never seen the dessert or felt the sun burn at more than 40 degrees. Just the wastelands of north London is my patch and sometimes the radiators are on quite hot. I spend most of my days checking where everything is in the flat where me and the human live, making sure it still smells the same and, depending on how I'm feeling, moving stuff around, maybe tearing things up, or marking my scent. Oh, and watching the pigeons. My main activity is understanding the human and I do devote many hours to this important occupation.

The human spends a lot of time at home, which is great because I'm pretty good at making her do what I want. She's been quite easy to train being as she's totally devoted to me and seems very responsive to commands. The key things I taught her are to feed me on demand, change my litter when its dirty, play hide and seek, cuddle and tickle. She's OK on most of those but sometimes she pretends I want feeding when really my litter is dirty. I think she knows, she's just being lazy. Oh yeah, and talking of being lazy, I've got the best ways ever of waking up humans. First, you walk up and down across their head, then, if that doesn't work, you gently pull their eyelids open with just one claw. She doesn't like that much and sometimes she tries to ignores me. That's when I have to step it up a notch - I find two or three claws up the nostrils really perks her up. Worst case scenario, you stand on the pillow resting on your back feet and then you use both front paws, nails out, to wrench the head upwards. That can be a bit dangerous because although it works perfectly, she gets a bit shouty and unhappy looking. You have to be careful not to push things too far or else you can end up in the cat house.

that's where the latest human found me. In the rescue centre. She fell for my charms straight away, of course, who wouldn't.
I'm sure as you get to know me, you'll appreciate how special I am.